Monday, April 7, 2014

Using our Pain: Miscarriage and Adoption Pain

This has been a post I've contemplated over and over.  It's one that I admit that I've wanted to write several times before, but in each instance it's always been directed mean-spiritedly at someone in my head.  I've elected not to type it before, because I try to use whatever measures of self-control God has given me to NOT direct my anger into the blogosphere.

Today, however, I have an occasion where I'm not directing this post negatively at anyone.  So I thought I should grab the chance, while I had it...  (smirk)

Michael and I always have a strict "use your pain" philosophy.  That being said, we don't always use our pain well.  But it's our philosophy.  And I thought I'd share a bit about it, since it's been a... trying day.  What do I mean by using our pain?  I mean, when we've encountered an experience that was painful for us, or that we noted was painful for those around us, we do our best to learn from that experience and use our education in the future.

i.e. waiting for a child.  We do our best to be sensitive to those experiencing infertility and those who are in the midst of long and arduous adoption processes, simply because we've gone through a long and painful wait for a child.

I've been questioning lately and have not come up with any ideas about how God is going to allow us to use our miscarriage pain.  But I'm certain it will not be the most glamorous of circumstances.  And I'm open to whatever He wants.  It's a painful process.  Still is.  I constantly feel like the party pooper when I type about it, with so many people in joyous stages of life around me.  It's only been two months, but the world has gone on around me, and in many cases, people have forgotten it ever happened and have lost their sensitivity.

And then there's just general day-to-day life pain.  Living with a child who has a past history of trauma is difficult.  Daily.  With Million, however, I hesitate to be open about his pain, even to our closest family members.  He has an awful lot of pain in his little self.  But today I have a fairly harmless example.

Yesterday, we watched Frozen for the first time.  I'd avoided it because a.) I'd already heard all of the songs anyway....b)  I knew that the parents died, and I hate the gilding of death in children's movies and c.) I'd simply avoided it because Disney has not come out with a classy and intelligent female character who doesn't reek of sensuality or sassiness for a long time.  But we watched it anyway.  There were positives.  It was nice to see a movie as a family.  We do that so rarely.  It was cute and funny at points, I will give it that.  But neither Michael nor I could understand why it seems to have taken the world by storm (other than an insanely well-laid-out marketing plan...)

Then today, we had some issues. I don't want to go into a lot of detail here, but Million is now concerned that we are going to die or never come back if we go away on a trip.  He's been having a lot of Scary Dreams lately, and this is now compounded into daytime contemplation. The unfortunate bit about this whole situation is that we have a one-night getaway planned very shortly.  He has only been out of our care for three nights total.

So how do we use this pain in his life?  Obviously, we have a lot of strategies on a daily basis, that I don't want to get into here... but for right now, we've been talking a lot about who would be responsible for the boys' care should we die.  I've also been talking with him a lot about the feelings in the movie (and the feelings the movie failed to properly display about death.) He's got a really good vocabulary and is an extraordinarily intelligent child, but he doesn't understand a lot of feeling words very well, which is typical, given his age, gender, and life circumstances.

So, this is my silent prayer about daily pain and miscarriage pain, being posted into the blogosphere.... "God, use this pain.  Use it for good.  Bring your light and image to bear in our family, and through us the world.  Let beauty be brought forth from the ashes.  Make all things new."  

1 comment:

  1. Heather, thanks for your honesty with this post. I continue to think of you and Michael and pray for you regarding your miscarriage. It's been a difficult time for me emotionally, to feel so excited to have this baby growing in me that I've longed for so long, but at the same time to try to be sensitive to the pain you and Michael are dealing with. If I ever ere on the side of callousness because I'm too focused on my own pregnancy, please let me know, gently. :-) I don't want to unknowingly hurt you or Michael. Anyway, thank you for sharing, both your pain and the beauty that is growing from the pain.