Perfectionism

This post is here to remind myself to give myself grace.

It's not a post for you.

Or you.

Or even for you lurking over there.

It's for me.

It's about me.

And I'm starting to sound egocentric, am I not?

To battle that egocentrism, here are a few photos of recent events.

A beautiful thing is never perfect.    ~Proverb.

I've been mulling over perfectionism and the role it's played in my life.  

It certainly is a sinful tendency, at least in how I allow it to operate.  

I need to learn to extend grace to myself.

I absolutely hate the phrase "spotless house."  

I realized this week that I've been holding myself to an unattainable standard in my brain that has been derived from that phrase.  Every day I've sought to not have a speck of laundry in the baskets, not have a dish in the sink, and to do all of the household tasks... in order to have a "spotless" house by the end of the day. 

And every day I end up failing.  

(To note: these are not standards Michael places on me; they are ones I place on myself.)  

Like a true perfectionist, when I know I'm going to fail, there are times when I stop trying.

Usually a few days before someone drops by the house unexpectedly.  (Isn't that how it always goes?!)

Then with renewed vigor (and shameful humiliation), I re-establish my goal of perfection and attack it with force.  For a few days.

This is just one area of my life.

Imagine how my perfectionism is compounded in my other offices and affairs of daily living!

My physical fitness and nutrition.

My self-imposed re-education regime.

When I was employed. 

When I try to bake a new dish and it's unsuccessful.

In my musical performances.

In my spiritual disciplines (Yikes! Did I just admit that?!)

In my "mothering" duties. 

I do have one blessed reprieve from the "typical" perfectionist symptoms, and that is that I do not place my high standards on others.  (Michael and Million certainly are blessed individuals in that regard.  They both please me and delight my soul on a daily basis.)  

My chief concerns lie with myself, and therein lies my sin.  I become so preoccupied with myself and what I'm doing wrong or how I'm going to achieve/going to perfect/going to attain etc., that I am not focusing on God or glorifying God.  I'm glorifying myself when I start to succeed and also worshiping my failure by fearing it so much and meditating so much on it.

God give me grace to give to myself.

Don't allow me to twist your grace into a bitter contortion of what it should be.

Allow your grace to flow freely through me and to heal me of this sinful tendency. 

Amen