Monday, February 3, 2014

Battles for the Mind When You Feel Like You've Lost Hope

I'm nearly done writing about our miscarriage.  I just thought I'd write out a few more thoughts in case you need something to think about if you or anyone close to you ever experiences this.

A few nights ago, I realized what makes me the most sad: the loss of expectant hope.
Pregnancy brings such anticipation.  Everyone around you is asking questions, teasing you, you're wondering what color the baby's eyes will be, you wonder and imagine and dream and anticipate.

And to have that snatched from you is.... blech.  There are no words.
Now the most exciting things I have to look forward to are blueberry bushes and the possibility of backyard chickens.

But I was reminded, in my verging on self-pity that I am not relieved of all expectant hope.  I will get to see my baby.  I will get to hold his or her hands.  It will just take many many many more years than I expected.

Michael and I were discussing how hard it is not to fall into bitterness.  I said "I believe I've got the proper mindframe and I believe I'm honoring God by remembering His character qualities, but what do I do with this sadness?  How does God want me to handle this?"

In the midst of my discussion, I was reminded of the verse in Philippians that instructs us what to think and how to think.

Philippians 4:4-9
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Of course, there are days when I think to myself "How is there any loveliness or excellence in a baby dying?"  But I am doing my best to think about the good and pure and true things in this situation.  How I am blessed.  How God is kind.  

And that's all I can do.

No comments:

Post a Comment