Nesting And An Apology

I have to apologize for insensitivity.
I realized that to many friends and family members who experience childlessness (via infertility, loss of a child, empty nesting syndrome, etc.), that my recent posts could have come off sounding ungrateful.
After all, we waited nearly four years to bring Million into our home.
I waited 23 years to accomplish the life goal I set for myself as a child---to become a stay-at-home mommy.
I should be flowing with gratitude, effusively sweating it from every pore.
And I am.
Please forgive me if I hurt your feelings for one minute or if anything I wrote struck you as ungrateful.


It's just some days I have a minute focus. I focus on the sea salt on the cookies instead of the whole picture.

Although sea salt in and of itself is completely scrumptious.

(*chides self for ruining the deep philosophic impact of that metaphor*)

Today I got Million's memory verses for the rest of the year planned out.

Really, they're as much for me as they are for him.

Which is why they are usually set to songs and have hand motions, so Million's kinesthetic mommy can learn them just as well as her verbal processor can.

I'm learning so much more now that our little boy needs structure.  

And in order to prepare for a few chaotic months ahead, I need to plan out structured activities in advance.  Structured meals.  Structured habits.

This is my nesting. 

Nesting that involves nurturing the spirit of one child who still craves structure, who needs set routines, who needs boundaries that are fixed.
Nesting that draws mommy's spirit closer to the God who created order, so that mommy can draw strength for daily life.
Nesting that realizes how incapable I am to parent (and parent well, I might add) two robust manly boys, but that I rest in the hands of a very capable God.

This is the kind of nesting that is much more humbling than folding socks and finding dust bunnies in odd spots in the house. (And I *am* grateful to my mom who has been helping me so much in THAT nesting regard...although I'm not sure I'll ever get my hospital bag packed, I'm so unmotivated.)

It's much more tiring too, because old doubts, guilt, and fears keep cropping up, accusing me "You'll never be good enough; look at where you've failed."

Appropriately, Million's memory verse this week is Isaiah 41:10.

Do not fear, for I am with you;Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.I will strengthen you, surely I will help you.

I need that kind of help today.  And every day.