Jubilee Update

October 2012, 32 weeks pregnant with Creedence

November 2014, 33 weeks pregnant with Jubilee

This morning we took the second picture, on a whim.  It's the same sweater, and despite all appearances, I actually weigh a bit less now than I did back in 2012.  

Now I can see what "measuring six weeks ahead" looks like.  I feel like a buffalo on a daily basis. I'm giving myself the next seven weeks to real full-on beached whale status....since apparently I am soaring to new stomach girth measurements that I never thought possible.  

Confession of the night, I googled "belly button staying outie after pregnancy" a couple nights ago.  That's a serious nightmare of mine.  I'd prefer no dangling belly buttons.  It gives me the willies to think about.  Body parts should stay where they're supposed to be, in my humble opinion.

Dear Jubilee, 

You have my permission to come anytime after December 3rd, preferably avoiding the window of time between December 18th and 26th.  You really don't want a NICU stay OR a Christmas birthday.  Just trust me.  Also, if you could avoid inclimate weather, that would be nice.  The boys are excited to meet you, especially Million who asks nearly every day if you'll be coming that day.  Creedence is eagerly anticipating hugging you tightly, poking your eyes, and making sure your cry reflexes are fully functional.  And I'm looking forward to the ability to sip coffee without fear of heartburn or socially unacceptable dry heaves.  Because you're a classy girl like that.

Love,

Mama

You're Naming The Baby WHAT?

My mom asked me yesterday if we'd gotten any flack for the names we'd chosen for this baby.  Nobody has vocalized any so far, and we wouldn't really care if people had, but apparently some people think we're just naming our kids after comic books. (hardy har har.)  So I thought I'd explain a teeny bit behind why we chose the four names we did.

Let me preface this by saying, Michael and I have a system in how we name our kids.  1) The name has to be unique.  2) It has to be filled with rich meaning about what we want for our child's life.  3) The middle name has to point to Christ.  

Examples: Million means "We want everything big for you in life."  One of his middle names is "Kumelachew" which means "He stands for you; or Advocate."

Creedence means "To establish a firm belief."  His middle name is Shepherd 

I'll start with our female option... "ladies first."   

Jubilee Shalom

Five or six years ago, I found the name Jubilee on a blog relating to Ethiopian adoption.  Ever since, I've wanted a daughter named Jubilee.  Unknown to us (since we don't have television), another popular family chose the exact same name combination for their daughter who died.  That doesn't have much bearing on our name choice, since we've never even seen an episode of their show.  In Luke 4:18, Jesus is talking and He says "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed."  Liberty to the captives....just like in the year of Jubilee.  The year of Jubilee in the Bible is a year set aside every 49th or 50th year where all the slaves are released, and all the land returned to proper ownership the way that God designed it to be. 

Shalom is a Hebrew word usually translated peace, or wholeness; it's a word with the biggest connotation of "how things were meant to be, how things were originally set in place by God."  Jesus spoke often of Shalom peace, and He is our Peace.  

And for our manly option: Marvel Cornerstone

Seven months ago, we sat in the middle of church, and were expecting a different baby.  As we sang a song (How Marvelous), the thought of a  name for a son came to my head. I ran it by Michael.  He loved it.  Repeatedly in the Bible, God is called marvelous, and we are instructed to praise his marvelous works.  He has called us into his marvelous light (1 Peter 2).  

And John 5:20 tells us that we should be marveling... "For the Father loves the Son and shows him all that he himself is doing. And greater works than these will he show him, so that you may marvel." 

And we are marvels.  A verse that has been one of my favorites since 2001.  Psalm 71:7 "I have become a marvel to many, For You are my strong refuge." 

Cornerstone is easiest to explain, since it is a name of Christ in the Bible.  

1 Peter 2:6 For it stands in Scripture: “Behold, I am laying in Zion a stone, a cornerstone chosen and precious, and whoever believes in him will not be put to shame.”

So those are our unconventional and meaning-filled name options for this baby.  Of course we don't mind the comic book correlation, since Michael likes Marvel Comics better than D.C. comics, but no....that's not why we chose the name for our possible son.  And we're not naming our possible daughter after a paper towel brand either.  

Pregnancy, Miscarriage, Adoption, and How to Count Your Children

We are adding another little one to our family.  I was fairly cautious about putting this out on public media until I realized I had miscalculated our trimester dates, and that we were already out of the first trimester.  I also waited until my most recent midwife appointment, when we again heard the baby's heartbeat.

We are joyous about this new life.  He or she will make their appearance around the 1st of the year.
We're very thrilled. I cannot wait to see the boys embrace brotherhood once again.


But we're also sad.
It's so difficult to describe.

If I could change one insensitive thing I've ever done, I would have learned this: pregnancy does not automatically "fix" the pain of a miscarriage. There are some women I know that got pregnant after miscarriage.  And until I experienced this, I just kind of went on thinking "Oh, yay for them!  Now they get the baby they wanted."  But that's not how it worked.  Both babies were/are wanted.  And one is separated from their mommy and daddy forever.

I read recently a statement that said that babies who were miscarried have two "birthdays" for families to remember.  The first is their original due date, and the second is the date of their departure.  We're getting closer to our original due date, and I don't know how I'm going to handle that---if it will be a Big Deal or not so big of a deal.  The date of our baby's departure will be three weeks after this baby will be born, so I might still be in the throes of postpartum hormones, and it might become a very BIG DEAL.  I just don't know.  Or I might be so sleep-deprived that I won't even know it passed.

The other thing that makes me sad is not knowing how to count my children when people ask me how many kids I have.  I only have two at home.  But I have one in heaven.  And I have one in the womb.  And one somewhere in adoption-maybe-not-born-yet-we-really-don't-know land.  So do we count the one in my womb and not the one in adoption-land?  Do we leave out the miscarriage entirely?  The general public around me will acknowledge my pregnancy but not our current adoption process or my miscarriage, but that feels so stilted to me.

So this is a sad post.
But a happy post too.
Because baby number whatever is hopefully going to come our way in January.  

Battles for the Mind When You Feel Like You've Lost Hope

I'm nearly done writing about our miscarriage.  I just thought I'd write out a few more thoughts in case you need something to think about if you or anyone close to you ever experiences this.

A few nights ago, I realized what makes me the most sad: the loss of expectant hope.
Pregnancy brings such anticipation.  Everyone around you is asking questions, teasing you, you're wondering what color the baby's eyes will be, you wonder and imagine and dream and anticipate.

And to have that snatched from you is.... blech.  There are no words.
Now the most exciting things I have to look forward to are blueberry bushes and the possibility of backyard chickens.

But I was reminded, in my verging on self-pity that I am not relieved of all expectant hope.  I will get to see my baby.  I will get to hold his or her hands.  It will just take many many many more years than I expected.

Michael and I were discussing how hard it is not to fall into bitterness.  I said "I believe I've got the proper mindframe and I believe I'm honoring God by remembering His character qualities, but what do I do with this sadness?  How does God want me to handle this?"

In the midst of my discussion, I was reminded of the verse in Philippians that instructs us what to think and how to think.

Philippians 4:4-9
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Of course, there are days when I think to myself "How is there any loveliness or excellence in a baby dying?"  But I am doing my best to think about the good and pure and true things in this situation.  How I am blessed.  How God is kind.  

And that's all I can do.

Post-Miscarriage Hedonism and Second Portion of Conference Notes

I'm afraid this week is turning me into a bit of a hedonist.
(John Piper would say I'm fine, as long as I'm a Christian hedonist...so I'm excusing myself for now.)

Right now, I've got a cup of coffee in hand--- the first cup of our second pot for the morning.  Michael has Creedence downstairs while he works on tearing off the ceiling in the basement.  (Just trust me, Creedence will be fine.)  And Million is napping.

So I have a little time to myself.  And I'm wrestling with my desires.  As Million said recently "I wish somebody would buy ME something sometime."  It's stupid really.

I just want a new shirt.  It's absolutely not necessary.  But my emotions are telling me that I want one because I was looking forward to possibly even buying some maternity clothes this pregnancy.  (I never ended up using maternity pants with Creedence, and I only bought one maternity shirt for myself....the other shirts were lent to me.) Sigh.  And I know that it's not necessary, and that I should be practicing the contentment I just preached to Million...I also know that if I ask Michael, he'll say "just buy a shirt." 

Okay. Back to the topic I'm *supposed* to be writing about.  The notes from the conference.  Now that I've blathered about my shirt desires, I don't have as much time to type... So here are a bunch of quotes or questions I wrote down from the weekend.  If you have questions about any in particular, I could expound on them.  There are Bible verse references too, which I have not included, for want of time.  I've bolded the ones that I thought would be the most useful for you.

How free is the holy spirit to be radical in your heart?

Consistently declaring "Be good" and "stop that!" doesn't captivate the hearts of your children.  Speak positive words into their hearts.  i.e. "I wonder how God is going to use you to change the world.  Don't ever forget that God has created you with a specific story."

God's desire is to take a normal person and use them to change the world.

Fill your home with good because that is what God did for His children.

When Adam and Eve sinned, they were forced into a pattern of brokenness that made them self-cetered and compelled to attempt to provide for themselves.  We do the same thing today in our rebellion.

What causes Christians to be so weak and impotent in our culture?  Where is the disparity between God's design for Christians and how many Christians become defeated?  Don't look for validation from the world, but look for the favor of God, and you will live freely and confidently.

If you aren't partnering with God, don't expect supernatural results.  You can't live in fear and faith at the same time. 

Sally did personal focused time with each child.  She called it tea-time discipleship.  When she took them aside and made them feel valued and respected, that's when she got to speak into their heart. This honors your children.

Your message is going to come out of the life you live.  She spoke of her "hidden years" of service before any public ministry, constant obedience building her faithfulness and integrity.

If you understand how deeply you're loved, you will love your kids deeply.  You can only have a godly impact if your heart is healthy.  God understands your helplessness in a dark world and has compassion for you.

We live in a culture that can't produce heroism because we are hesitant and fearful.  Heroism is about taking hold of a great story.  We are not called to anything less than heroism.  Emphasize to your children when you read them Scripture that "this is your story."  The way that you can call your children to righteousness is to give them a vision of who they are and what they can become.  Understand yourself as a narrator.  You have the power to narrate the world to your children.  Equip your children to live into the vision you have cast for them.  We cannot be people of faith without imagination. 

Technology is not bad or evil, but it is also not a neutral thing.

The more impersonal Satan can make us, the less influence we have.

If you don't have the shared language of ther values you want to transmit to your children, your character training will be ineffective.

Feasting is about the "it-is-goodness" of the world.
Creation is filled with variety, color, tastes, sounds, beauty, humor, textures, interest, fun.  Return to the Earth and nature to understand how to incarnate the living God.  You are a co-creator with God and called to create life, beauty, variety in your life to reflect Him to others----He is beyond just a thought to be known.  Therefore, we are to honor the Earth, our bodies, and our garden or domain.

Christians should be the finest, most excellent artists, doctors, teachers, mothers, politicians, builders---the best people overall, excellent in all of their ways.  Be a co-creator, co-redeemer, thinker, and lover, because you know the real creator, redeemer, knowledge, and lover.

If your God is too small, your joy will be miniscule. 

Okay.  That's it, for now.  I'll get some links later.  I have an amazing book resource for you that I'd love to talk about, but we do have weekend plans that require some travel.  And I just might go shirt shopping later on. 

Throwing Myself Into New Tasks

It seems that every time we're in the midst of a life change, I take up some new hobby.
I'm one of "those" people.
I just need to create.
Need to be doing something that can cause a broken and messy world to be a little more beautiful.

I can't even count how many hobbies I took up in the wait for Million, but the ones I remember off the top of my head are: having so many potted herbs that our kitchen window ledge looked positively tropical; jelly making; canning; making vanilla extract; spinning yarn; buying dirty fleeces and cleaning them; then carding and dying the wool; knitting; making a king-size quilt; mural painting; and house renovation.

While waiting for Creedence, I took up candle making, and then I decided we should open an Etsy shop for crates which Michael and I built, distressed, and stained, which ended up being more than a part-time job and earned us several thousand, but cost us part of our sanity.

On Tuesday, I sewed on paper for the first time in my life.

I made these paper heart garlands and hung them all around the house.  I was tired of the paper snowflakes hanging off the ceiling. (Apologies for the extra nails and screws STILL in the walls that our previous owners left.  I have desire, but no motivation.)

My other project that I'm going to take up is one I've been intending for a while.  I bought three wingback chairs from a hotel that was getting new furniture.  They were $5 a piece.  And their ugliness explains the low price.  Wednesday, I decided to order fabric, or our house will forevermore have evidence of the-road-to-hell-being-paved-with-good-intentions.  Or something like that.

Don't expect a tutorial.  I'm going to follow this one. But you may get to see some nasty progress pictures, if I feel inspired.

We'll also be flower gardening along with regular gardening.  We weren't going to do flowers...but I need them.

And I'll likely convince Michael to let me make another round of candles.  I'm toying with learning how to do pillar candles instead of jar candles. (My argument to convince Michael is that pillars are cheaper...and since it's a new learning process, it will keep me out of trouble.  Hardy har har.)

I guess there's no time like the present to rip off some fabric off a nasty wingback.  Or watch the tutorials again.

the days following

Today is a quiet day. Like most days lately, it's too cold to go outside.  

My mom came the last two days, and helped get our house under control after I was gone the last few days at a mothering conference and then in the hospital. The way she shows love is acts of service, and she's really good at it.

I'd really like to thank all of you who were reading during our most recent journey.  I don't know how many of you there are, but I did notice a much larger blog readership during the course of our pregnancy and then eventual miscarriage.  I appreciate your "listening."  It's been difficult to be candid, but it's been good for me.

Today I was reading a little Madeline L'Engle, and I came across this line that was so perfectly timed for us: "A comprehensible God is no more than an idol." 

Last night, I cried in the middle of supper, because Michael prayed and thanked God for the boys, and it was the first time we vocally omitted the baby from our prayers.  I had been so used to hearing "and please help the baby in mommy's tummy grow strong and healthy", and now that I didn't hear it, I started crying.

Most of you are probably my facebook friends, so you'll know this story, but after I got done crying, Million said "Mama is sad."  Michael suggested "Why don't you sing her a song like Creed (by Rich Mullins) to try to cheer her up?"  Million piped up "Or how about 'I'm Just a Love Machine And I Won't Work For Nobody But You'?"  I laughed so hard.  (For the record, Michael only taught him that line because the jammies they're wearing in the picture above say "Love Machine" on them...)

I have three very thoughtful sisters.

The boys were happy to do crafts again.

Two new children's devotionals I picked up at the conference for Million.  Beautiful illustrations, and simple, well-chosen wording.

I really do want to get a post up here summarizing some of the amazing parts of the conference.  (I got to sit at the keynote speaker table the ENTIRE time, because for once in my little introverted life I snatched an opportunity boldly.) 

For school today, Million's only lesson that he was instructed to repeat three times was "An opera singer is good, if he or she makes you cry happy tears."  We're not setting the bar super-high this week, obviously.

And now my time reflecting is done, because I hear crying in two different rooms.  And, unfortunately, they're not opera-induced happy tears.

The Choice I Had To Make

"You have a choice to make: either accept that God does things for your good and reap the blessings He offers in your life, or don't accept that and become embittered and experience the consequences from Him that will naturally follow."

I heard these words this past weekend in the midst of fear of the unknown.  I was all by myself, 800 or so miles from my dear husband and sons, and I was going through what I felt must be the beginning of a miscarriage.  I was scared.  I was sad.  But God was speaking to me.  I had a choice to make. 

Throughout the whole weekend, there was a resounding theme of faithfulness and perseverance.  I was exhorted repeatedly to live the story that God has intended for me and to allow Him to work through me radically.  I was also reminded several times that culture (internet, facebook, even my fellow Christians) will give me permission to do all manner of things.  They will give me permission to be bitter, sarcastic, complacent, to ignore my kids while bowing before the idol of technology, to complain.  I was also reminded to do what God tells me to do, not what I feel like.  I had a choice to make.

I am choosing to accept that everything God does is for my good.  His power is perfected in my weakness, in my human frailty.  I am fragile.  But my God is good.  He is a wild God, and at the same time, He is kind, gentle, merciful.  His yoke is easy, and His burden is light. 

I returned home and immediately went to our hospital, where we received news that our baby was no longer.  And I had a choice to make.

I choose to believe that the God of beauty; the Creator of cinnamon, coffee, and centipedes; the Author of my story; the God who threw the stars up in the sky and laughs while they dance---that same God tenderly loves me.  That very same God is the God who knit me together, bit by bit, and knew the length of my days before they began.  He is the God that knit the baby that was in my womb together, bit by bit, and knew the length of my baby's days before the baby even came into being.  He knew my baby's story, just as He authors mine.

What does this choice mean?  Does it mean I'm denying myself a grieving process, just shoving any sadness aside?  No. Emphatically, no.  We still are sad.  But we have peace.  It means that I will not allow myself to become shrouded in sadness to the point that truth is invisible or clouded.  I will not allow my heart to become hardened.  Because I have made my choice.

Belly Buttons and Adoption

"Mama, did my birth mommy* like it when I ate her food when I was in her tummy?" 

That's the question my sweet bundle of energy asked me yesterday.  I didn't answer it completely yesterday, because the circumstances surrounding his adoption are so nuanced and deep, and it was a nap-time stalling technique. 

Today, I came up with an answer that satisfied him.  "Sweet Pea, remember how yesterday we were talking about if your birth mommy liked it when you ate her food in her tummy?  I think a good answer is that her heart was full of a lot of feelings when you were in her tummy.  And that she thought about you a lot."  That satisfied his curiosity, and he repeated the answer to himself several times.   

We've been talking about belly buttons a lot, most notably because even though we haven't explained the "birds and the bees" yet to Million, we're trying to be fairly candid about how babies grow in mommies' tummies.  He understands that babies get their food through umbilical cords and after the baby is born, the baby doesn't need to eat the food from their mommy, so the umbilical cord needs to be clipped.  He's seen pictures of Creedence's umbilical cord in a clamp right after birth.  And that has brought questions surrounding the circumstances around his birth.  We're grateful that we know a lot more about his birth and life pre-orphanage than many families.  Michael has actually visited the building that Million was born in.  But we don't know much about his actual birth.  It's very likely that he was a preemie, judging on his medical records and his many early lung problems. 

But these kind of conversations.... I think at this stage they're harder on me than they are on him.  I get so worried that I'm going to say something "wrong" that will cause some future therapy.  A few days ago, I realized that he didn't know if his birth mommy was a female or a male.  Obviously more conversations are in order.  And we'll keep having them.  And he'll keep surprising me with the questions he comes up with.

*Note: we don't actually refer to his birth mommy as "birth mommy."

The Two Boy Names That Didn't Make the Cut

I just got done making a Béchamel sauce for dinner (Deconstructed Croque Madame).  My menu binder is really REALLY doing wonders for us.  There have been some meals that have been....less flavorful.  (Really, oh internet cooks, do you use anything other than garlic powder, onion powder, salt, and pepper?  Budget-cooking doesn't have to mean flavorless cooking!) Both boys aren't picky eaters, but last night's French Onion soup was pretty bland. I will change that up next time. 

But, it's saving us money.  And it's helping preserve my sanity.

We bought three girl clothing items at Savers on Sunday.  We're rewards card members there, so we got 50% off, and spent $3 on a whim.  Because someday I will have a daughter.  Whether by birth or adoption.  And if Ethiopia closes, I will still have a daughter somehow.   Michael and the boys are praying for a sister with this baby, but I keep instructing them to not be too disappointed with a boy.  Million assures me he will love another brother.

We also bought Million a star-and-planet comforter for his big-boy bed when we complete our basement remodel (starting in a month or so and ending....hopefully soonish.)  He's going to have a Gallileo-themed room.  Creedence's room is going to stay undecorated...because, really, nurseries just need to be functional. 

We have our names picked out for either gender.  We had a three-way tie for the boys, but the ousted contenders are Benedict Deliverance and Story Emmanuel (Million's favorite of the three...he kept making a joke "let's read a story to Story.") I don't know if Michael wants me to post our names, but let me assure you, they are super-cool (as my ninth grade self would say.)  I suppose I could post initials.  For the girl, it would be JSJ.  (Our leftover name because Creedence didn't get to use it.)  For the boy, it would be MCJ. 

I am flying away on Friday morning.
Because Michael is sending me to a conference for moms.
And I'm nervous about it, but it's something I just need to do to grow.

I'm going to be listening to Sally Clarkson, one of my favorite (still-alive) authoresses. She's the one who says things like this: "My children need me, as a mature Christian, to walk by faith that God is in control, allowing His Spirit to give me peace and joy in the midst of life's inevitable ups and downs."

and: "When we are joyful and see each minute with our children as an opportunity to worship God through our service of Him, our children sense our joy and feel secure and happy."

So I think, if anything, it will be a thought-provoking and focus-sharpening weekend.  And I get to sleep in a king-sized bed.  By myself. 

We're feeling more positive about the baby's prospect for growth, perhaps because of absence of bad symptoms.  We've talked to a few people who have heard of baby's heartbeats not being detected and growth being under by several weeks, and it being fine.  I'm now starting to feel like the nurse might have mishandled her role...but I suppose I'm always one who would rather hear the bad news and then be positively surprised, rather than have a nurse try to sugar-coat things.  I've been increasing protein, continuing to work out, and doing all of the healthy things you're supposed to do.  (Maybe I'll be posting about our new workout series that we both love, but I'm not sure yet.  I wouldn't want to alarm anyone unnecessarily with fear of alien abduction.)

This weekend, Million has repeatedly said "I'm just so happy I have a daddy and a mommy."
Isn't that sweet?
If he didn't have a past history of traumatic experiences, I would let it stop there.  Just sweetness.
But the insides of me ache that he knows intimately that not all children have daddies and mommies.

He is also still angry with Jesus.  Because Million does NOT want a new body if and when he goes to heaven.  He is perfectly fine with his current body.  

In other news, I'm looking around for cute tea houses or bed and breakfasts.  For our anniversary (last summer), we received some money (and the promise of childcare) to go towards a mini-vacation for us as a couple.  And we're finally getting around to planning that out. 

Sometimes no news is just no news.

Sometimes no news is just no news.  Especially in adoption.

For those waiting for news circulating about Ethiopia, here is not the place.
According to our agency, Ethiopia's government did not make the projected announcement today.  They made no announcement of any kind.  Our agency told us that it might come in a week or so, so we'll be updated next Thursday.

I'm supposed to be making Million a "get-well" card.  He's got a cold, and he really wants a get-well card after he wakes up from his nap.  Paper crafting is not my bag.
But he will be crushed (and dramatic) if I don't make him one. 
Out with the construction paper, I guess. 

A New Baby and Trusting In God

There's a song that we made up for Million that says "Trust in God is remembering every day that God loves me and will take care of me."

It's one of those songs that I need to hear.  Every day.
One of those reminder songs.




This morning I had an ultrasound appointment.  (Surprise, surprise! We are pregnant.  This is not exactly the way I had envisioned this announcement post.)

However, the baby is measuring several weeks behind, and they weren't sure if they saw a heartbeat or not.  So we'll have a repeat ultrasound in two weeks to see if this is a "viable pregnancy" or not.

Any doctor appointment where they hug you at the end (and do the "comforting" back rub) and tell you "just pray that everything will be better in two weeks" kind of sucks.

Trusting in God seems to be the theme of my week.  We'll be finding out later on this week what the state of Ethiopian adoptions will be.  We'll also be finding out next week whether or not Creedence needs some surgery.

Because I'm an introvert, I would rather just curl up in a ball, under the covers, and not see anyone in the entire world (aside from Michael and the boys) for two weeks (or three).  I'm not good at being vulnerable and transparent.  I'm also not entirely predictable in how I respond emotionally to tough circumstances.  (I absolutely *hate* hugs and "comforting" back rubs, and that seems to be what people around me like to give.)

This is one of those topics that I wouldn't *typically* blog about, considering how vulnerable and transparent it demands that I be.  But I thought it would be a good exercise for me in being open, and I thought it might bring some balance to how I portray life on this blog---with the temptation to skew it in favor of a Pinterest-worthy life. Our life as a family holds a lot of challenges that I don't address, but as this one doesn't violate Michael or the boys' privacy, I couldn't see a reason NOT to blog about it.

So in any case, here we sit...We got disappointing news.  And we're trusting God.  Not trusting Him that everything will turn out perfectly.  But that everything will turn out according to His will.  

Fear-Tension-Pain Cycle

As of tomorrow, our pregnancy is technically "full-term" medically speaking, although I have three more weeks until our due date.
We attended our last childbirth/childcare education class last night.
Since we both worked/work in the medical profession in a very large medical community, I was shocked how few medical professionals will go to prenatal education classes because they "pretty much know how it will go."  Several nurses and doctors in my midwife group refused to go to classes and then felt nervous toward their due dates because they didn't know what to expect, hadn't visited the birth center, didn't know what a birthing ball was, etc.

I am so grateful that I was provided childcare both for last night's breastfeeding class and for our natural pain management six-week class.

It always keeps me mindful of the many women I met in Ethiopia who don't get prenatal education.

In prenatal education there is something called the Fear-Tension-Pain cycle.  Essentially, the less educated about childbirth a pregnant woman is or the more misconceptions about childbirth there are, there will be more fear.  The fear will cause physical tension in the body, which will send "bad" hormones (instead of relaxants) to the pain receptors, which produce more pain.  When the woman experiences more pain, it reinforces her fears, she becomes more fearful, and it is an endless cycle.

This is as true in America with people who choose to educate themselves solely based on what they read on the internet (or God forbid, TV shows) as it is in Ethiopia.  The Fear-Tension-Pain cycle can only be prevented by proper prenatal education and a supportive network.

Every time I think about this, I wonder about Million's birth mom's level of prenatal education.  Did she go through the Fear-Tension-Pain cycle?  Or was she well equipped?  It leaves me so humbled and so grateful that I have the privilege to not only be educated, but to CHOOSE to be educated.  I've mentioned on here a few times that a lot of what we've chosen with our pregnancy (to not overeat, to continue in levels of semi-strenuous physical labor, to have a nonmedicated childbirth with as little medical assistance as possible) were intentionally chosen so that I can understand in some minute way the woman who birthed my son.  I've been chided on a few occasions for this ideal.

People have told me that I am depriving my second son of a "unique birth experience" by focusing on my first son's.  I don't feel this is true.  My second son will be born in a "state of the art" birthing facility.  I will have access to clean, uncontaminated, water at whatever temperature I desire.  I have many non-pharmaceutical "tricks in my bag", so to speak.  I can pick and choose how much privacy I will have (until being transferred to postpartum, when all the privacy goes out the window.) My second son will have a unique birth experience, because he will be my first birth child.  I will never have another first birth child.

I'm often asked if I'm ready for childbirth.  Yes and no.  If I'm asked in a way that implies "are you just so ready to get this baby out?" it's a no.  I can endure this for a while longer, and it's an inconvenient time right now with some orders left open in our business and with Million needing a little more parental involvement these days.  If I'm asked in a way that is addressing more fears and physical preparations, it's a yes.  I can honestly say, I'm not afraid of the pain.  We've got everything set up (except for my bag isn't packed yet.) I'm not anxious about the unknowns.  The only things I tend to worry about are what time of day it will happen and how it will affect Million's time spent with my parents. (And if I'll need to pick Michael up from work...and who will feed the dog, etc.) Logistics are the only things I worry about, when I do worry.

If you're interested at all in helping relieve some of the Fear-Tension-Pain cycle in women in Ethiopia, I would heartily recommend looking into the organization Because Every Mother Matters.  If you're not able to help financially, or simply uninterested in Ethiopia, look for some ways you can help with prenatal education locally.  Is there a pregnant teenager in your life who could use some prenatal guidance?  Direct her to quality medical professionals.  Is there a shelter for battered and abused women in the area?  Ask them if they need books about pregnancy (you can always find them at thrift stores, and generally the information doesn't change THAT much.) Is there an adoption agency or pregnancy care center in your area for impoverished women?  Donate your used clothing, make rice socks for pain relievers, or see if they need office supplies.  See what you can do to spread awareness and try to eliminate this cycle.

Second-Born Syndrome

Left: November Boy's Blanket.  Right: Million's Blanket

I'm one of those annoying 2nd born/middle children who every so often feels like things have to be equal.
I got November Boy a blanket today.

I have yet to crochet him an afghan, dedicate a whole blog to how he came to be in our family, paint the room the boys will share in my predetermined Narnia theme, buy him a squeaky dog toy, etc. etc. etc.   Those things weren't bothering me as much (okay, maybe the afghan is...but I can always whip one up before Christmas.)  The blanket was bothering me simply because it was such a symbol of our expectancy for Million.

And that's all I have for today.

Prepping an Older Sibling

Bedtime tickles

How Daddy takes Million on a walk...Wears him out!

Million's First Woodworking Project, an M to paint and hang in his room.

What Million chose in the store as a present for November Boy. 

We/I let Million buy a present for his little brother.  It should not surprise anyone who knows Million that he chose two items with stars on it (there was a shortage of "moon" items, so stars just had to do.)  Our little Galileo.

We've been working on prepping Million for being a big brother.

We don't read him books specifically written about the topic, because none of the books are satisfactory, in my opinion.  They all try their best to prep kids for reality, but end up making a new baby sound like a terrible thing---subliminally.  The messages are "Mommy and Daddy will still love me.....but..."  and "Baby will be a fun thing someday...but..."

We've been talking with Million about what he'll get to teach November Boy and what November Boy will and will not be able to do.  Maybe that's not the best way to go about it, and maybe he'll be completely traumatized when November Boy comes, but it's working so far.  He knows from his cousins that November Boy will be wearing diapers and not big-boy undies.  He also knows from his cousins that November Boy will likely cry a lot.  He further knows that November Boy will not be eating pizza right away.  But he's excited about teaching November Boy how to eat oatmeal someday and that BonAmi needs to be treated with gentle hands.

We're working on ideas for labor and delivery time: getting Million a special toy to play with when he spends the night (or two nights depending on how things go) with my parents.  We're also going to have him sleep over there next month to test it out.  We're thinking about having a wrapped present at the hospital for Million so meeting his brother will be a fun experience.  (Michael's actually thinking one of those little bean-bag chairs so Million can have a comfy place low to the ground for when we allow him to hold November Boy.)  One good thing about our healthcare facility now is that they really stress rooming in with your baby instead of sending him down to the nursery.  My parents have home movies of me wailing "But he's MY baby!" repeatedly as a little girl because my younger brother was behind a glass nursery wall, and I couldn't take him home with me.  Michael is planning on taking Million on a big-boy date to get mommy some non-hospital food at some point during my two-day stay.

Obviously, we know that a lot can change in our plans depending on how my labor/delivery goes.  We just want things for Million to be as smooth of a transition as possible.  He has really developed quite the "first-born" personality, so we know that he'll be a great big brother.  We tell him when we see him doing "big-boy" things how proud we are of him.  

He talks about "baby ___________" a lot.  Whenever we talk about our family, he says "For Mommy, For Daddy, For Me-yun (his cute mispronunciation of his name), and for Baby ________."  Sometimes he adds "Baby 'Opia" in there.  He's got a definite grasp that November Boy will be a part of our family "when he gets borned."

As far as the rest goes, we'll just have to wait and see how he does.

A Lesson Learned In My Group Midwife Session

I had my second group midwife session yesterday.
(I missed one accidentally, so this should have been my third.)
Attendance was much more sparse, but it is August in Minnesota---the time of the year when people take any last vacation days up at their cabins that they can.

Halfway through the session, I found myself jealous of my two boys who were doubtless eating supper and reading books, while I got to learn that it is not good to wear underwire bras while nursing because they can cause clogged ducts which lead to mastitis.  Fun stuff.  The things I suffer, right?

Actually, after wading through my jealousy for a bit, I was humbled.  I was reminded of how many things I have to be grateful for.

I am being educated.

Isn't that humbling to think about?
Many millions of women don't have access to and perinatal education.
Many millions of women who have access to prenatal "education" can't even read the pamphlets they are given as their education (or speak the language of their educator).
I have easy and instant access to a very large team of midwives, doctors, surgeons, nurses, lab technicians, pediatricians, where some countries have doctor to patient ratios of 1:hundred thousands.

It would be easy to forget those women who have no prenatal care if I didn't have two beautiful brown eyes sparkling at me every day.  If those beautiful brown eyes didn't come with a story that is etched in my soul.  God forgive my selfishness. 

Some Exciting News From Our Family!

Our family is growing!

Baby #2 will be making his or her appearance in mid-to-late November/early December.

We are thrilled that God is giving us this opportunity, and we wanted to share the news with you all.

Pregnancy after adoption (and before another adoption, in our case) is what could be colloquially called "a whole 'nother ball of wax"....

I have many many dear friends who are struggling with infertility or who have struggled with it in the past, especially those whom we have met during the course of our adoption.  I've heard so many times that people have been the recipient of well-intended judgemental comments like "Now that you've adopted, you'll get pregnant."

I wanted to address this head-on before anyone decides to use us as a prime example to their infertile friends.

We didn't become pregnant because we adopted.  In our case, we became pregnant because we went off of birth control and because God allowed it. 

Right now, I'm struggling to find the line between openness and unnecessary vulnerability.  Pregnancy after adoption and all of the conflicting emotions and situations it brings isn't something I've seen blogged about commonly, but I also hesitate to make myself into a spectacle.  Pregnancy in and of itself is fraught with controversial topics, so much so that I've ALREADY gotten myself into trouble by asking "the wrong" questions...

I'd hate to cause controversy over something so beautiful as the way in which God has allowed us to form our family.

 Now there are some typical questions that I've been asked in the last few weeks that our families and close friends have known about our pregnancy:

1. How am I feeling?  
I'm tired and nauseous, but the physical pregnancy symptoms are absolutely nothing (and I'm really emphatic when I say that!) compared to the endless spiritual, emotional, and physical depression during the time-frame when we repeatedly failed court in Ethiopia.
2. Do we know names for our baby? 
We do know both of our names for boy or girl but will not be sharing them until the baby is born.  They are atypical names, and if we shared them, we would likely hear others' negative opinions more than we want.  We will not be naming children after relatives or Bible characters.  We prefer names that are chosen for the significance of their meaning, just as we chose Kumelachew as one of Million's middle names, and just as we were so pleased when we learned the meaning of his birth name.
3. Have you chosen a birth plan? 
If everything goes according to plan, we will be choosing a natural non-medicated childbirth, with the assistance of a midwife.  One of our primary reasons for this choice is that I just want to be able to experience raw pain, just as Million's birth mom had to experience raw pain.  (However, I do realize that I will have access to many non-medicinal pain treatment alternatives that she didn't have access to.)
4. Will you breastfeed? 
We will also be choosing to breast-feed.  However, obviously Million was formula fed.  I will not become a "breast is best" vocalist, because breast is not best in many situations---like Million's.
5. Will you find out the gender?
Yes, and we will be sharing that information with whosoever wishes to know.
6. Will you have more birth children?  
We're not sure about that right now.  We do know that we plan to pursue adoption a few more times, but to be honest, adoption is where both of our hearts are drawn more frequently than to pregnancy.
7. Have you told Million yet?
Yes, and he's forgotten already and could care less.  :)

We're so grateful for this opportunity, but to be completely honest, it brings out a lot of complicated emotions that we didn't anticipate and need to sort through.  We obviously want people to be excited about Baby #2, but it hurts us when people seem more excited about a birth child than they seemed about Million's adoption.  This is just one of the many complicated emotions that we have the privilege to process  (and I'm not being sarcastic here, it truly is a privilege to be exposed to unique circumstances that not many people have the chance to go through.)

If you're a person of God, we'd appreciate prayer as we'll have many different feelings and circumstances than the average to go through (i.e. trying to explain my "obstetric history" to a non-adoption-minded medical professional.)   You can also pray for humility.  We admit wholeheartedly that being pregnant is a new thing for us.  Pray that if we have questions we ask them humbly and respectfully instead of forming opinions and judgments based on what we have heard from other pregnant women.

We trust that God has given us this opportunity as a means of growing us towards Him, and we're excited to see our family grow.