Adoption and Societal Expectations

I'm a slow learner sometimes.
Have to admit that.
This week, I learned two things about adoption.
One thing very Million-specific...
And one more general.
I'll share the general here.

Because we adopted a toddler first, we will never have the idyllic moments that most first-time parents have.  The moments where the mommy or daddy is completely focused on intentionally promoting intellectual stimulation to their infant and beaming in every single developmental milestone.  No distractions...just purposeful, intentional time spent promoting psychological and physiological nurture to your infant.

Million never had that.  And Creedence doesn't have that now.
But Creedence's lack is simply because he has an older sibling.

When Million came home, his brain was already programmed in certain ways.  His social construct was changed so many times that how he ordered things in his little mind was not what one would consider a logical progression.

And then taking him into a "bonding" setting where we avoided any institutional care (shun! shun the big-bad institution, said the adoption books!) did achieve bonding to his family, but did not achieve any knowledge of societal expectations when he did eventually work his way into more institutional settings.


All this general explanation to say: apologies to the public library for absolutely RUINING your babygarten on Thursday and for my nearly 3-year-old throwing carpet squares and reciting Goodnight Moon very loudly before the librarian could turn the page and then pressing the alarm repeatedly on the elevator*. 

We're working on how to behave...but we could use a little grace.

*It was one of those days I was thankful to NOT be wearing an adoption t-shirt.  Because I don't want our family to be the family that gets mentioned derisively when people announce they're adopting "well, there was this little boy in the library one time, and he was adopted and he was wild and unruly and obviously not well adjusted."  I would much rather people assume (as some do when Michael's not with me) that I'm a single mom who has had two very different-looking boyfriends.  This is not to say that I'm not about openness in adoption regarding struggles and adjustment---I'm blogging about this, so obviously I'm okay being open to some extent.  I struggle with the line between transparency and protection of my kids.  I also struggle with the desire to see more families adopt but the fierce longing to protect children from families who adopt for the wrong reasons.  

Pinterest Fail and Win

Sometimes Pinterest is great. (Okay, this was actually just a google image search for "kids' robin craft" that looked easy enough to do...but I'm sure it's on Pinterest somewhere...)

And sometimes it's not.

Just saying, sometimes it might just be cheaper to go to the dollar store and buy yourself some cheap water color paints for a toddler to play with instead of making your own from corn starch and baking soda and vinegar.  The watercolors I just tried to make worked well... They just didn't show up at all after drying.  And they took more work than forking out a whole dollar.

A weekend away

My brother and his wife are seriously some of the most gracious hosts that I know.
They allowed our family of four to crash their one-bedroom house this past weekend.
That would be six people in a one-bedroom house.
Like I said, they're very gracious.
They also happen to be wonderful cooks.
Every time I visit, I come away with ideas and new recipes.

I am so thrilled that they'll be living within easy driving distance of us soon.

They took us to the family story hour at the library where Hillary works.  It was so much fun.  I'm very jealous of their library.  They have a specific sensory story hour every other week, for children who have sensory processing issues.  And their family story hour is just great too! So many activities! They also included a little "Babygarten" for Creedence and the other babies that attended the story time.

It was such a great weekend.  While traveling with kids is not really the most relaxing thing in the world, our excellent hosts made it so much fun.

He's Just Not Here Right Now

We spent a glorious weekend with my brother and his wife in Northwest Iowa.
I love spending time with my family, and the boys do too---although Creedence was pretty crabby the whole weekend.  (They graciously tolerated him...) I plan to post a little bit tomorrow when I can devote more happy thought to how wonderfully they hosted us (and the good food they served...)

I'm ready for spring weather, although much of this spring is devoted to my little sister's wedding...
Any chance to get out of doors would be gladly appreciated.

I have some sad (for me) news, and I think the less time I devote to thinking about how to write it out, the better.  BonAmi will soon be leaving our family.  He is a very high energy, nervous/skittish dog, even at almost 7 years old.  He did well when Million came home, and they were actually fast friends.  But when Creedence joined our family, BonAmi started to show some signs of aggression and refuses to obey me at all.  Right now, it's not fair to ask BonAmi, a dog with a nervous personality, who was alone with his owners for four years, to contend with a jealous/misbehaving preschooler and an infant who cries frequently.  It's also not fair to ask the kids to have their mama frequently scolding a dog who growls and raises his fur at her and occasionally them.

I love this dog.  I am an animal lover in my heart of hearts.  I seriously won't be able to read dog books or watch any dog movies for several years.
Giving him away will be a hard thing....and even more so, when we try to think of how to explain it to Million.
Right now, we're planning to say "BonAmi is just not here right now."

Currently, our shelter doesn't have any openings.  And I'm not about to give a skittish black dog who looks slightly like a pit to our pound, because they euthanize pets that aren't adopted in a certain time frame.  So we're waiting.  Any day might be the last day with our dog.

We both love dogs.  We will get another dog some day.  Maybe in six or seven years, depending on where we are in life.

So there's that.  Happy Monday, all.  

Financial Goals

We've set a rather ambitious "out of college debt" goal date. November 2014.
It's slightly more ambitious if you think we have 11 years of college between us, and we're also financing an adoption currently.  Maybe someday when I'm feeling a little more victorious about our debt reduction I'll actually post concrete numbers.

This pay period (Michael gets paid every other Tuesday), I cut our grocery bill nearly in half by sucking it up and menu-planning some less-than-glamorous meals (actually, Glamor wouldn't even touch these meals with a 10-foot pole).  Of course, I realize that's not sustainable savings, and I'll run out of staples and need to stock up every now and then.  But I'm hoping it averages out to at least 35% savings.

So far, I've come up with two savings techniques for us that seem to be working.

• portion sizing. (a.k.a. rationing...but it sounds healthier and less WWII when I say "portion sizing")
• buying whole fryer chickens instead of chicken breasts. (yes.  I'm aware that typing out "breasts" might increase the odd people stumbling on my blog, but "adult plastic panties" continues to be one of the most popular search stumbles...and that still makes me laugh every time.)

There is one money saving tip I'm just not ready to embrace yet.   Family cloth.  And that's all I'm going to say about that.

A Bridal Shower In Photos

I'll come back and include links to recipes, for my future recollections....but for right now, this photo post is all I can manage.  It's cleanup day at our house.

In my Heart (Words Left Unspoken)

The Great 1000 Book...Quest

I asked Million if he wanted it to be an "Adventure" or an "Experiment."  He chose "Quest."
Apropos.

He and I (and Michael and Creedence when available) will be embarking on a quest, then.

We're going to read 1,000 children's books that I have not read before.

I saw the idea online as a 10-week summer project where you read 14 books a day.
Like that will happen around here.... snort.

So I haven't set our timeframe yet, but it could be by the end of the year.   If I were to start this weekend, it would be about 3.4 books a day....completely doable.

The only thing I haven't gotten sorted out yet is how to request books from our library so that they arrive in phases and not all in one clump.

I've gotten together a list of several hundred children's books that I have not read.  I'm hoping to put at least 700 on a list and then glean the other 300 from enjoying authors that I was not previously familiar with.  When I get the list formatted correctly, I'll make a page on the side of this blog so that you can check up on our progress every now and then (or steal a few titles to read for your own pleasure).

I'll not be writing book reviews.  But you see that crate up there?  That's Million's treasure chest.  Every so often, we'll be doing a craft or an activity that he can put inside of it to remember his favorite books.  Maybe every now and then I'll interview him or take a photo of something he put in his treasure chest.



I had a mother who read to me
Sagas of pirates who scoured the sea.
Cutlasses clenched in their yellow teeth;
"Blackbirds" stowed in the hold beneath.
I had a Mother who read me lays
Of ancient and gallant and golden days;
Stories of Marmion and Ivanhoe,
Which every boy has a right to know.
I had a Mother who read me tales
Of Gelert the hound of the hills of Wales,
True to his trust till his tragic death,
Faithfulness lent with his final breath.
I had a Mother who read me the things
That wholesome life to the boy heart brings-
Stories that stir with an upward touch.
Oh, that each mother of boys were such!
You may have tangible wealth untold;
Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold.
Richer than I you can never be --
I had a Mother who read to me.
"The Reading Mother" by Strickland Gillilan

that post I promised....

Okay... time for the post I promised.
I don't know quite how to begin this particular post.
Perhaps what I've talked about recently---the search for a shalom-filled home.

Our house has not been filled with shalom this year.  Or health or structure.
This is an understatement.
It has recently been made evident in manifold ways.
Our business began to thrive to the point where Michael has been having to take time off of his "real job" to help me catch up on orders. 
Million began to act out, and I'm not going to expound on that...
Michael has been sick or in the process of getting sick this entire year so far, and the two boys have been sick a majority of it also.
I've been dealing with some food intolerances which led to a lot of unplanned weight loss from not eating healthfully.  (I don't mind having lost the weight; I just know it wasn't a healthy way to lose it.)*

Things came to a head a week or so ago, as we tried in vain to complete some huge orders AND all of our inventory for our upcoming craft show....

Then Mr. Camel's back collapsed under the weight of a piece of straw.
(I wonder if the straw was organically farmed or not...)

As Michael and I talked things through, we decided that it would be best to put our business on vacation for at least a month.  Following that, we're going to change our business model...

It sounds like a failure from a business standpoint---leaving behind the model that has "won" us several thousands of dollars already this year.
But when I tell myself that I'm not a failure for wanting to spend time with my family and embrace the time I have with my kids, I have to admit that I HAVE indeed been a failure.  I've failed my kids.

I've taught them that our future child is more important than they are.  I've taught them that God can only finance our adoption through Heather-approved ways.**  I've taught them that it is okay to put money and the earning of it on a higher shelf than physical health.  (Of course, I'm speaking in single voice, but I'm sure Michael would agree that it has been very much a "we" experience.)

At the same time, we've taught Million some good lessons with our business.  He's learned to not fear the unknown.  He's learned that creativity and work will get you pretty far.  He's also learned that things will never be perfect the first time around, and that adjusting your plans or models is a natural thing to do.

We aren't giving up entirely on our little business.  We just know that in order for it to be a healthy business, we have to be a healthy family...since it is a family-owned business.  In all transparency, the area we haven't figured out yet is that Michael thrives on doing custom orders. He enjoys the challenge of something new. So we are still working through what our business will look like in a month. 

When we started our business, we promised each other that if it got to a point where we weren't enjoying it, that we would quit or reevaluate.  And we're in that reevaluation stage. I've always got some new ideas for products to sell (I found a whole new untapped market online that we could easily get into, but we haven't had the time to figure out how it would all work), but we're going to take a break and just make things for ourselves (both fun and practical....like shoe racks in our hall closet, etc.) for a month.

So right now, we're finishing up our last order, and spending a lot of time reading and playing together as a family.  Since last week, we've spent almost every night having a "drop everything and read" time together as a family, which is something that my heart had been longing for.  It's been beautiful.

*posts about major diet changes and experimentation with essential oils for health will be forthcoming
** I'm working on some ways to cut back on our budget, specifically our grocery budget.  I'm always looking for frugality suggestions.  (Just please don't say coupons... we don't get the newspaper, and trading the time working on crates for time clipping coupons and scouring the internet is NOT what I'm looking for...)

Vacation...
We're not "officially" on vacation until we complete two more orders.
And I wouldn't really call it "vacation" with one ear infection, two current RSV infections (with one member of our family having just gotten over it), constant headaches, dehydration, and growing pains.  I feel like I should add "a partridge in a pear tree" to that list.

We had our first craft fair this weekend, and it was a great learning experience.
We did sell some items, but I think we enjoyed learning more than anything.

Around Our House Today

Trying to teach my kids about food and how it is best without allowing them to be food snobs.  Fresh herbs.  Yum.

Skirt I'm wearing today before I give it away because it's too big.  Sigh.  I'm in love with the fabric.

Homemade petit fours before fondant and "dressing up."

A Tidbit

That, my friends, is just one order's worth of crates.
Which is why a post will be forthcoming about intentionally slowing down our (thriving) business to spend more time with our kids...when I can figure out the best wording.

After Saturday, these two, my favorite husband, our trusty canine, and I will be spending a lot more time...

reading.

and playing.

and exploring.

and learning.

And maybe (gasp!) even blogging more...

Used To's Versus Are's and Meditations on Shalom

It's one of those days where the things I used to take delight in doing...

are getting old.  Perhaps it's the fact that I sold 13 of our diapers to buy newborn sizes of diapers, that we now no longer need.  And now I am washing diapers every day instead of every other day because of that sale. (More cloth diapers are budgeted for in the next pay period.)

But it's not only diapering.

I used to do all of these fun things.
Like bake and cook.
And sew.
And knit and crochet (which I haven't done for almost a year now.)
And actually DO the things I saw on Pinterest.

I used to grow my own herbs and can all manner of things.

Oh. I also used to read books.
Besides poetry compiled by Jack Prelutzky.

My brain used to be able to creatively daydream...instead of leaving tasks unfinished for weeks on end.

These here are the first bagels I've made in...maybe a year and a half.  In fact, I'm not sure if I've made bagels since Million has been home.

But then...
Then...
Someone crawls up on my lap and says "Can we read another, Mama?  Can we read the Jabberwocky?  Just one more chapter?"
And another smiles at me amid the drool waterfalls and says "Moo moo mooo" (his latest consonant sound, which seems to delight him and makes me laugh at the bovine wannabe).
And I realize that a lot of the used to's were about me.
About personal fulfillment.
About "expressing myself."
And these...these sometimes ogres/sometimes angels are waiting to be taught.  Waiting to soak in.
Instead of fulfilling myself, I have the privilege to fill fully these boys.  To teach them to express themselves within appropriate boundaries.

This is just a momentary chapter of my life.  I'm aware of this.
When I'm old, I'll have plenty of time for the crafts and baking that I can't muster energy for now.
When I'm old, I will also hopefully see the fruits of the discipline and discipleship we've been working so hard on with our children.


Michael and I have been talking a lot about the concept of a peaceful home.  A peace-filled home.
And we've been talking a lot about shalom, the kind of peace in the Bible that describes "the way things ought to be."  A lot of things would have to change in our household right now in order to have a shalom-filled home.

And I'm off to start.